It's been two a half months since she moved out. It's been almost 4 since my wife of 5 years said she wanted a divorce. Things have been tough, to say the least. We share custody of our amazing 3 year old daughter, Savannah and I have the dogs. My soon to be ex-wife (that would be the first time I've referred to her as such) has been about as kind as you could possibly hope for. If I want extra Savannah time, she's great with it; I was really depressed about Thanksgiving and she made sure I had Savannah this time. It isn't perfect, but it's something.
During these past few months, I have faced a lot of questions, and thoughts; most of which I just can't seem to get out of my head, thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night most nights. I thought getting them down would help, so you don't have to read any further. I appreciate your support, but this blog is for my sanity more than anything.
The first thought is dealing with me no longer having a family. A family is all I have ever wanted in this world. My parents were so amazing and set such a high standard for parenting that all I ever wanted was to be able to measure up to their kindness, devotion and love. Even now, they invite me over for dinner, and out for golf, constantly checking on me. Now, with things different, I have often thought of my family as gone; done. It's the hardest part of this, especially as I am hanging Christmas lights alone.
My family isn't gone, though, is it? Like so much of life things change, and so has my family. I have my daughter, who daily shows me how to live and teaches me more than I could ever teach her. I have 3 dogs...do I really need more? I mean, where's the line of getting greedy, huh? I may not be like my parents, but you will never find someone who loves their little girl more than I, and for now, that's something.
My other thought that seems to creep its way in my head is what exactly you are supposed to do when you find out you simply aren't enough for someone. Make no mistake, I hold no animosity toward her, but what do you say when the person I married tells me I'm simply not enough to make her happy. It's a hard thing to live with, and one that keeps me in bed just a little longer every morning. If I'm not enough for her, can I be enough for anyone?
Another thought is kinda a selfish one; what do I do now? I find myself closing the doors on the world, and not wanting to get out. It's all part of the process, I suppose, but how do I get over such a thing? I can't seem to pick my life up and move on. I simply don't know who I am or how to take that first step back into society, now as a single parent that is a divorcee. That first step is what it takes, but it's that first step that seems to allude me.
And, have we talked about dating? I break into cold sweats at the thought of downloading a dating app, let alone trying to make a real connection. I get I'm not ready, but should I be? Will I ever be? My guess is 'yes' but it's kinda murky right now. So, for now, the thought of connecting with someone will have to stay a dream. I think, for now, it's more important to find out how to take that first step into a much larger world.
So, if you are still reading, you have to be ready to jump off a bridge. Or, maybe you have some similar feelings. In the end, I have Savannah, and I am beyond greatful for her and the blessing to my life she is. That is enough, for now.
Besides, I have some Christmas decorations to put up.
