EDITORS NOTE: The pretty version appeared on Creative Loafing. You know you wanna check it out. Click HERE. So, I went to the theater to watch a movie about a fast shooting cowboy in the old west who has to protect the newly reunited United States from a once thought dead southern General. The hero uses crazy, over the top weapons and plenty of bullets to eventually save the United States, and goes on to be the likable cowboy as he rides off into the sunset. Does this movie sound familiar? I'm not talking about Jonah Hex, I'm talking about Wild Wild West. Wild Wild West was a movie that came out in 1999, starring Will Smith, and bombed horribly in the box office and was universally panned by critics (although there were parts I liked). So, why would Jonah Hex take that formula and add Transformer reject Megan Fox? Well, to be honest, I haven't a clue, but I think someone, somewhere thought they could make some money.
Jonah Hex starts off explaining the whole story about how a southern general, played by John Malkovich made Jonah (Josh Brolin) watch as his family was murdered in front of his eyes and his face was horribly disfigured, and how Hex went on to seek vengeance, only to have the general die in a fire, leaving Hex to seek his vengeance by bounty hunting. After a scene with a gatling gun on a horse, we learn that not only is the general alive, but he has a doomsday weapon to overthrow the government. Now, America's only hope is Jonah Hex, and his whore (Megan Fox), as Jonah leaves no dead body unturned in his quest for vengeance.
There has been plenty of talk about whether the summer of 2010 will go down as one of the worst years not only financially, but also for quality, and sadly this movie doesn't help the argument. Like Wild Wild West, this movie was cheesy, and over the top and stupid. While that can make for a fun popcorn flick (i.e. A-Team), this movie tried to take it further and ended up just plain stupid. The action was poorly shot, leaving me wondering who was punching who, and who was doing more of the grunting. The premise was the most bizarre, with the bad guy using glowing balls to destroy towns, and Jonah Hex being the only guy to stop him (because like 200 guys would've failed, I guess). Apparently Hex's only power is that he can talk to the dead, but there is all kinds of crappy rules, like if Hex sprinkles dirt on them, they will stop burning...to death. And, if Hex's journey is explained in the opening montage, why must we endure flashback after flashback? My final gripe with the movie is the sheer lack of interest shown by any of the actors, including the always impressive Malkovich. When the actors don't look like they want to be there, why should an audience?
So, obviously, I truly disliked it, and coming from someone who loves cheesy action oriented popcorn flicks and westerns, it is saying something. But, I can't leave you before saying something good about the movie; I hate it when a critic can sit through an hour and twenty minutes of film and not find anything good, so here is my attempt; Megan Fox, despite her terrible accent and horrible acting looked pretty good in a corset, and the movie was only an hour and twenty minutes, meaning it's like ripping a band-aid off really quickly, so it only hurts for a moment.
Jonah Hex starts off explaining the whole story about how a southern general, played by John Malkovich made Jonah (Josh Brolin) watch as his family was murdered in front of his eyes and his face was horribly disfigured, and how Hex went on to seek vengeance, only to have the general die in a fire, leaving Hex to seek his vengeance by bounty hunting. After a scene with a gatling gun on a horse, we learn that not only is the general alive, but he has a doomsday weapon to overthrow the government. Now, America's only hope is Jonah Hex, and his whore (Megan Fox), as Jonah leaves no dead body unturned in his quest for vengeance.
There has been plenty of talk about whether the summer of 2010 will go down as one of the worst years not only financially, but also for quality, and sadly this movie doesn't help the argument. Like Wild Wild West, this movie was cheesy, and over the top and stupid. While that can make for a fun popcorn flick (i.e. A-Team), this movie tried to take it further and ended up just plain stupid. The action was poorly shot, leaving me wondering who was punching who, and who was doing more of the grunting. The premise was the most bizarre, with the bad guy using glowing balls to destroy towns, and Jonah Hex being the only guy to stop him (because like 200 guys would've failed, I guess). Apparently Hex's only power is that he can talk to the dead, but there is all kinds of crappy rules, like if Hex sprinkles dirt on them, they will stop burning...to death. And, if Hex's journey is explained in the opening montage, why must we endure flashback after flashback? My final gripe with the movie is the sheer lack of interest shown by any of the actors, including the always impressive Malkovich. When the actors don't look like they want to be there, why should an audience?
So, obviously, I truly disliked it, and coming from someone who loves cheesy action oriented popcorn flicks and westerns, it is saying something. But, I can't leave you before saying something good about the movie; I hate it when a critic can sit through an hour and twenty minutes of film and not find anything good, so here is my attempt; Megan Fox, despite her terrible accent and horrible acting looked pretty good in a corset, and the movie was only an hour and twenty minutes, meaning it's like ripping a band-aid off really quickly, so it only hurts for a moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment